Ways to have fun at work

This is my take on those Innappropriate Behavior emails that tells people how to act strange on thier own time. I feel that most workplaces are too boring, or that people take themselves to seriously and need to lighten up.

The scary thing is that I have actually done a few of these and often it works to make me happy, but sadly piss others off.

Anyway, here is my list;

Just to drive them nuts, send a blank fax to a co-worker's telephone #.

When the person in the next cube goes on break, unplug their mouse.

Find a pad of the "While You Were Out" message pads and write "you weren't here" on them and leave them at people's desks.

Wait until everyone leaves, or come in early and pop off all the letter keys of someone's keyboard and rearrange them.

Hand out "bathroom passes" to employee's and tell them, "This is the only one you get today".

Ask co-workers or IT which channel The Food Network is on your computer.

Get a wireless doorbell button (without the actual receiver that chimes) and place it on your cubicle entry or at your desk and DEMAND that people use it before talking to you.

Before your next meeting, you and one or more co-workers pick from the following; cough, clear throat, sniff. Then pick a word that's not too common, something like "we" or "I", or if there is a meeting topic you can use that word. Then during the meeting each of you has to cough, clear your throat or sniff after anyone says the word.

Make one of your desk items, like your stapler, your pet and give it a water bowl.

Get a blank peice of paper and write "DO NOT TURN OVER" on it and place it next to the printer then watch how many people torment themselves wanting to, but not turning it over.

Write VACATION across every day of the current month on your desk calandar, when people ask why you aren't on vacation tell them you are.

Get a picture of a keyboard or adding machine open on your computer screen and whenever anyone comes by pretend you have a touch screen computer.

Create an auto-response in your email for co-workers that replies "I work in the same office as you, are you THAT lazy that you couldn't just come tell me this?!"

"Blank" History Month

I want to understand something and I hope someone out there can help me out.
Everyone, regardless of Race, Gender, Sexual preference, religion and so on, is Equal. This is a statement that the government, businesses, schools, public groups, and society as a whole want us to agree with and support. I get that and I think it's a great way to live life. There should be no judgements of others based on these groups. It's what made America the destination location of MILLIONS of people all over the world.


With that in mind I offer up the following;
NAACP: Organization that works for the betterment of Black Americans
GLAD: Organization that works for the betterment of Gay and Lesbian Americans
NOW: Organization that works for the betterment of Women in America
All organizations established to raise awaremenss of these groups equality in America

We also have;
Black History Month: This month was established to celebrate the contributions Black's have made to America over the years.

Women's History Month: This month was established to celebrate the contributions Women have made to America over the years.

Asian Pacific American Heritage Month: This month was established to celebrate the contributions Asian and Pacific Americans have made to America over the years.

There are many more state and localized "___" History month, or week and I'm sure you can guess what they all celebrate.

My point is simply this; Why separate yourself as a group from society in order to establish yourself as an important part of society? I understand that MANY groups have been treated poorly and these groups and special heritage months were established to educate people that were otherwiseignorant or intollerant.

Here's what I would like to propose; IAAM (I am).
IAAM is open to all people. It does not matter if you are black, asian, white, or purple. It does not matter if you're a man, woman, dog or otherwise. You can even be any religion and can screw any gender you choose.
IAAM supports young and old, employed or unemployed. IAAM even recognizes legal and illegal residents.

I have to admit that I believe I am the most qualified to lead IAAM.
First of all, it's my idea. Second, I'm the one who came up with the rules and guidelines.
You see, IAAM is the International Acceptance of Assholes Movement. ANYONE can be an asshole, and many people often are. Almost all of the organizations above have shown that they are assholes themselves by not accepting other races, genders or beliefs into their groups. GREAT! I guess that means they already accept the basic principals of IAAM in that it is recognized that ANYONE can be an asshole.

I honestly feel that Assholes are trated unfairly.
Think about it, there is blatant discrimination here;

"Don't invite him! He's an asshole!"
"We can't hire him, he's an asshole."
"I don't care how hard he works, I'm not giving him a raise because he's an asshole."

I know that lots of people will say, "It's their own fault. They shouldn't be assholes!" Really? That doesn't work with anyone else;
You can't ask a black person not be black.
You can't tell a gay person not to be gay.

Hell, we even have special groups for people who are "Slow", or as the PC world has taught (forced) us to say, learning disabled.

To sum everything up, we cannot be mean to, discriminate against, or otherwise dislike someone just because they are Male or Female, any certain race, have any religious or sexual preference, or even if they are stupid but we CAN discrimiate against them if they are assholes? It's often the fault of all of these other people that people become assholes in the first place. They are lucky we aren't suing them for CAUSING our condition.

I understand it's a radical view that will take time to catch on, which is why I propose IAAM. After all, it's not that this isn't a popular view, it's just that not many assholes out there have the courage to say it out loud.

Towers, Underwear Bombs, and Party Crashers- Oh MY!

I'm going to let you all (yes, all two of you) know that I work out at least 4 times a week. My gym, like almost every other, has multiple T.V.'s all tuned to local or national news stations. Like cows in a field watching a passing train, if you are stuck on a treadmill or eliptical for more than 5 minutes, you will eventually end up staring at the only object more interesting than the wall or the rolls of fat jiggleing on the guy in front of you; the T.V.s. It's not that I'm someone who thinks T.V. is a modern day evil, I just think that like chocolate and alcohol, it should be used in moderation before it causes a coma or insanity.

Sadly, exercising in a gym means being trapped for the duration of your exercise routine and thusly, exposed to the "idiot box" as well. I've come to find that watching the news is even less informing than watching infomercials or music videos. "Why?" you might ask, if there was a you, or if you cared to know; well, the new is cyclical, repeating the same nonsense over and over, and often, incorrectly. They are in such a hurry to get you the latest information that they seldom stop to check that the information they are reporting is accurate or even important. As proof, I offer you "Balloon Boy". I decided to actually "READ" the story and found a tidbit about how the family had been on the wife swap show and how the father had been in the news once before for one of his wacky inventions and almost immediately decided that it was all a bunch of crap and even went so far as telling a coworker that I thought so. No one in the media would say this because if the kid HAD been in there they would have looked like schmucks, besides, they were getting VIEWERS, so why not report is as a terrible emergency.
Now we have the "Underwear Bomber";

this tool gets on a plane with more than just his own shit in his drawers and days later we have experts coming on T.V. telling us how he did it, where he's from, what we should do to prevent stuff like this in the future... blah, blah, blah. If these clowns are experts, why hasn't the FAA, FBI, CIA or whomever hired them. Also, since it was an ongoing investigation, they were talking about what MIGHT have occurred! The official information hadn't been released yet.

"We have Bob McFuddledick, a former pyrotechnics expert for Whitesnake here with us today; Bob, based on what you know, review with us how this terrorist attempt might have occurred." "Thanks Sally. From what I've heard, he lit his pants on fire, what that means to me is he might have swallowed gasoline just before going into the airport and then once on the plane, urinated into his underwear, after having eaten C4 hours earlier, he then pooped that out and then tried to light it all on fire." "Very scary stuff, thanks Bob."
Yes, that's an exageration, but honestly, I saw one of the news shows get an "expert" on to tell us how the explosive the guy had worked and what it "could" have done, but they then stated that they didn't know how much of the explosive the guy even had! It's like saying "if he had one of the bombs from Spy vs. Spy he could..
"

Morons!
Then I get updates on who's the latest idiot to sneak into the White House (they used to be upset that people donated to stay in the Lincoln Room-HA), and what nations are buidling crap that no one will use! Over and over again. Every hour on the hour.
I'll just watch infomercials from now on, at least they are only overstating exactly how amazing their $2 peice of crap is, not trying to tell me that I can fly with the "sham wow" as a cape... can I...?