all the time, and likes to eat, drink, and give people stuff—generally, a pretty happy guy. So anyway, Santa, and all the other cool people liked to party around the end of the year, so they could build a big fire, eat, and party really late. They always had this party on the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice, that way they had a nice early evening, and could sleep late without the friggin sun waking them up too early. Well, Jesus, having never been invited to the party, decided to have his own party. Only a few people, like 12 or so of his friends showed up, and this really pissed Jesus off. Everyone told him that he was just trying to steal Santa’s thunder, so not wanting to look like a jerk, he said- “No, what I really want is for everyone to come to my Birthday party, it’s on December 25th- after Santa’s party.” Since Jesus was really not a “party” guy, no one actually knew when Jesus’ actual birthday was, so they just decided to go with it. Even though Jesus said his party was for his birthday, people still didn’t really want to go, so Jesus had to use his dad’s influence again. See, Jesus’ dad invented a business called RELIGION, and using religion as a weapon was just as popular then as it is now.
So now, a lot more people HAD to go to Jesus’ party or their bosses and other people who thought they were better then everyone else would constantly give them crap for not being nice to a guy that none of them really knew. This worked out really well for Jesus, because he started getting a lot more attention, and more people realized that using religion as a weapon could get you a lot of power.
Santa started noticing that a lot of the guys he used to party with had recently started to turn into real assholes. They were busy telling other people how to live, and how to feel, and that it seemed they had really forgotten how to have a good time. Santa really didn’t care that Jesus had horned in on his party time, but he really wanted everybody to lighten up, and enjoy themselves. He decided that rather than fight back, he’d try and lighten up the mood and go to Jesus’ party too.
Santa went to Jesus’ party, and brought Jesus a present. Jesus thought this was pretty cool, and let Santa stay, he even let Santa put his sleeping bag under a tree in his yard over by the fire. Well, everybody really started having fun, and Jesus was even making wine out of water, so things were really going well. That’s when it happened. Santa, being the cool guy he was, opened his sleeping bag up, and started handing out some other presents he had brought for some his friends that he hadn’t seen in a while. Now Jesus started to get pissed.
Every now and then, when no one was looking, Jesus would throw something at Santa. He would throw a cup or some silverware at Santa, but he kept missing him, and it all was all getting stuck in the tree. After a few minutes, people started noticing how cool the tree where Santa was looked really cool! They all came over and looked at the mass of stuff that Christ had thrown in the tree. They kept saying how nice it was that Jesus had decorated the tree for Santa, and they called it “Christ’s Mass of Stuff Tree”. That just sent Jesus over the top!! He ran over kicked Santa out, cut down the tree, and threw it at Santa. Jesus told him, “Take your friggin tree, and stuff it! I don’t every want to see you, or any of your friends again!” That was a pretty sad night, for everybody, because they all really liked Santa, but they knew that all the people that had gotten powerful in the Religion business would never go against Jesus and his dad. Plus his dad had franchised out the Religion business, and now there were at least 5 or 6 other Religion businesses out there, that were taking over the local communities, kinda like Wal-Mart.
Anyway, Santa didn’t want to put his friends in a bad situation so he left. He decided to move, up to the North Pole, where it’s dark all winter, making for a better party, and he took a bunch of midgets with him, because, as everybody knows midgets are always fun to party with. After a few years, Santa heard that one of Jesus’ competitors in the Religion business got tired of him being a know it all, and took him out. This made Santa sad, because he knew, that all Jesus really wanted was to be cool, and accepted. This gave him an idea.
Santa decided that every year, on Jesus’ birthday, even if it wasn’t really his birthday, he would go to their old friends houses, and in the middle of the night, sneak in, and set up Christ’s Mass tree, with all the decorations, and under it, put their birthday presents from that year. Even though Santa did this on Jesus’ birthday, everyone remembered how cool Santa always was, and figured that even though the date of the party had changed, the reason to party was still there, and they figured that if the religious people wanted to think they were partying for JC, who cared, as long as they could get presents, get drunk, and have fun, who cared!!
See everyone thinks Christmas and Santa is just for kids, and that’s why I’m telling you this story. just like Santa, I want you all to lighten up and have fun. And I mean, think about it, there’s a moral to this story, and that is;
Why spend all year telling people what to do, and making them feel bad for themselves, when you can chill out, be cool and party. Only the good die young—Santa’s still here isn’t he? You don’t see kids sitting on Jesus’ lap at the mall do ya?
1 comment:
Very creative Joe! I read it aloud to my wife and we laughed quite a bit!
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